Tail First

Demons, dinosaurs, wildebeests, sinewy minotaurs, and winged hydras. When I was little, I loved to draw. Between a thick marker and a big piece of paper, it was the first creative outlet that attracted me.

If it was a talent, I don’t know where it came from. Adults would always ask if I’d traced the image then, upon hearing “no,” if they could keep the drawing. I would always draw from my imagination and, as many pointed out to me later, draw “from the tail first.”

Today, whenever working on a new project–whether working on music, choreography, poetry–I find myself doing the same. It’s only a matter of finding the “tail.” The title, the first shape, the first sound–once I’ve uncovered this appendage peeking from the foliage, I know how to uncover the rest of the creature. A voice arrives that tells me “that’s right” or “that’s wrong.” It turns the process of creation into a process of discovery.

I recently moved to Queens. The move from my previous home in New Jersey has proved inspiring and frightening, isolating and enlightening. I have felt time expand miles further than my reach. So much to do, so much to have done already that isn’t, so many shadows and spirits.

Having left my network of friends and places and my routine non-routine, and while being temporarily without my dog, I am without a familiar anchor. I’m doing my best to give myself time and patience. The transition comes with a nourishing wave of energy and strength, but it can be strong enough that it becomes hard to stand. Why can I not split myself into three?

I have caught the tail of something and am climbing along its scales, face buried in black and grey feathers and swallowing mouthfuls of seawater. I have willingly reduced myself to the form of a seed yet I find myself begging the heavens to spin faster. I have a new home and it is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined–full of light with ceilings high enough for dreams to twirl. This, yet I feel naked in a forest learning to firestart.

Eat too urgently and you’ll swallow bones, I tell myself. For now, I have the tail and I must let that be enough.